The Game is Paradise: Navigating Wall Street’s Hidden Path to Immortality

The Game is Paradise: Navigating Wall Street’s Hidden Path to Immortality

Ladies and Gentlemen (but mostly 18-24 dudes with limited social skills),

Gather around, for I am about to unveil the ultimate secret that separates the titans of Wall Street from the mere mortals: "The Game."

You might think that landing a job in high finance is all about your stellar GPA, impressive internships, or your ability to model complex financial projections in Excel. But no, my friends, the real key is mastering The Game.

What is The Game?

The Game is the art of turning connections into opportunities. It's about leveraging who you know, rather than just what you know. Growing up, you might have despised the idea that some people had an edge because of their connections. But as you navigate the labyrinth of Wall Street, you come to respect it. You start to hope that one day, you'll be able to play The Game just as well, using your own network to climb the ladder to one day bless your kids with the immortality The Game brings. 

Having parents in the industry or family wealth doesn’t automatically mean you know The Game, but it gives you a significant head start once you’re ready to learn. The grudging admiration eventually becomes a strategic ambition that you can achieve with the right plan.

The Fundamentals of The Game:

1. Legacy and Lineage:

• The first rule of The Game is to be born into the right family. A last name that commands respect is worth more than any Ivy League degree. If you’re not born with one, marrying into the right family can be a suitable alternative. Remember, if your family tree doesn’t resemble a list of Forbes’ most influential, you might be at a disadvantage. Just ask Roger “My-Grandfather-Founded-This-Bank” Stevens, who got the corner office before he even knew what a balance sheet was.
• Family and friends in the industry is a crucial stepping stone to winning The Game

2. Social Calibration:

• From a young age, you must be groomed to be social and make the right friends. Summer camps, elite boarding schools, and exclusive country clubs are your training grounds. Your network is your net worth. But beware of overdoing it. Take Oliver “Over-the-Top” Green, who bombed every coffee chat with his awkward handshakes and insistence on sucking off burnt out analysts. Or Chris “Epic Intro” Thompson, who genuinely believes starting off his TMAY with a 15-minute monologue on his 1 month basic training military exercise. Knowing The Game would ensure these mistakes would never be made.

3. The Art of the Schmooze:

• Master the art of small talk, strategic compliments, and knowing just the right time to laugh at your boss's terrible jokes. Remember, it’s not about what you know, but who you know and how well they like you. Tom “Internship King” Harris didn’t just get his internships and jobs on merit—he landed them by leveraging his dad’s connections from the investment bank his father started. Tom thinks he’s a self-made man, but we all know he’s riding the coattails of his dad’s legacy, even if he pretends otherwise. He struggles to get promoted and respect from his fellow peers due to his ego and lack of understanding of The Game despite being handed a golden ticket to Wall Street. He does not understand The Game but when he chooses to learn it, he will be unstoppable.

4. Influential Alliances:

• Surround yourself with influential and attractive people. Your friends should look like a cast from a high-budget TV drama. Attend the right parties, and make sure you’re always seen (and photographed) with smokes and people with industry clout. Take Abby “My-Dad-Is-Friends-with-the-CEO” Smith, who secured a return offer at a respected firm that never hires directly out of undergrad. This move outraged all the other associates who slogged through years at Big 4 firms to get the same position. Abby's network was her fast track, and she played it to perfection, an essential part of The Game’s social optics.

Winning The Game:

Promotion and Prestige:

• Promotions aren't about performance; they're about perception. The key to moving up is ensuring you’re always seen in the right light. This includes strategically timed compliments, well-placed rumours about your “brilliant” insights, and a knack for being in the right place at the right time. The Game is all about getting those promotions. Whether that’s ensuring you tip your MD more than others or offer to tutor their dumb high school kids (who will probably beat you to a promotion in 10 years), you must learn the Game if you hope to even have a shot at Wall Street Immortality
•  

Wealth and Influence:

• The ultimate goal of The Game is to amass wealth and influence. Be seen as the go-to person for deals, advice, and connections. Be seen with smokes every time you go out and you have already mastered a key part of the Game. Be seen at the most exclusive weekend getaway spots. Make it seem like you are living life on easy mode because once you have mastered the game, you will be. Why be a 5’2 Firepower Manlet when you could be a 5’2 rainmaker. 

The Illusion of Merit:

• While playing The Game, you must maintain the illusion that everything you've achieved is through hard work and merit. This is the ultimate finesse: making nepotism look like the American Dream. Chris “Self-Made” Miller loves to tell everyone he worked his way up from nothing, but we all know his father’s name is on the building. The real trick? Convincing everyone else that his success was all hustle and grit. And then there’s Adam “Dad-Used-to-Run-the-Division” White, who didn’t get a return offer but miraculously got a full-time spot because his dad made a few calls and got the division to open up a position just for him. Instead of hating, you should strive to be in that position one day. 

The Game Can Be Taught:

You are probably reading this and thinking “Fuck how do I get this”. I have good news for you all! The beauty of The Game is that it can be taught, but only to those who are eager to learn. You have to want it. It's about understanding the subtleties of power dynamics, mastering the art of influence, and perfecting the delicate balance of charm and cunning. If you don't grasp The Game, you'll remain in the lower ranks, wondering why your 80-hour weeks haven't catapulted you to the top. Or worse, trying to flex on a 5 by buying her drinks and flexing your EY embroidered sweater only for her to reject you. Nobody will believe you when you post on your story “Last night was a Movie”. The only solution is to learn The Game.

Conclusion:

Most people in good jobs are there because they understand The Game. It's not about how hard you work; it’s about how well you play. So, if you want to get promoted, want to pipe the hottest birds, and live the life of a baller, don’t just focus on your spreadsheets and pitch books. Understand The Game, play it well, and you'll be at the top in no time.

Now with the knowledge of The Game, go forth and may the odds be ever in your favour.

Beautiful piece - that being said, it seems like there’s a large part of the game that cannot be learned within a single generation. Not a complaint, but an observation that for those on hard difficulty, perhaps other advice is required.

What about the way you look? Is that part of the game as well?