How to get over envy/jealousy?
I've spent some time digging into my character flaws, and I've come to the conclusion that my root issue is that I am a jealous man. I'd like to change that, but I don't know how. I'd love any advice.
My envy mostly manifests when I see people that I believe are less talented/worthy than me getting to places that I dream to go to. For example, I was rejected from HBS this year, while friends that I know were accepted everywhere that they apply, and I have to silence those thoughts or else I spiral. I very intentionally targeted a role in LMM PE because the work that I do is what I love (combination of investing and portfolio operations), but I can't help but eat my heart out when I see others at UMMs or MFs getting a brand mark that I know I'm good enough for, but chose not to pursue.
Money isn't the issue--I came from a trailer park and with absolutely no family name or expectations, and I know that I have earned my place--but I look 30 years into the future and can't help but think that I'd regret if I "settled" (a term that I know logically isn't true) for Wharton or Kellogg, or that I "settled" for my fund.
I just hate this feeling and I want to be rid of it. I don't know what I need to do to change. Has anyone overcome this?
In my opinion:
- First, realize that envy and jealousy are universal sentiments and that you are not flawed for feeling these emotions. A lot of people feel jealous, it's human. It's good that you at least recognize this and want to get better
- Realize ridding yourself of these sentiments will take time and experience and that no one on this website will be able to convince you overnight that you shouldn't feel the way you do. Even if they do convince you logically that these emotions are irrational you might struggle to incorporate these learnings in your day to day life and actual feelings
-Maybe think about what matters more to you. Your prestige and the way you are perceived or pursuing a career that is intellectually and professionally fulfilling (Perhaps along with other perks like work life balance and hobbies) ? Perhaps you are actually better off than those people who get more recognition because some of them (not all) might be trapped in careers they don't like for the sake of validation. Realize you only get to see a patina of who they are and their lived experience. There might be a lot of dissatisfaction beneath the surface
-Have confidence in your ability. If you have come this far you won't necessarily need all these tick marks (such and such school such and such fund) to do well and progress. Many people have done so well as college drop-outs, or from state schools etc. and have surpassed those who went through the perfect circuit.
I might be wrong but this is my take.
Sort of relatable. I work at a no-name boutique and have been stuck there for a variety of reasons (mainly visa issues, but also bombed the only lateral opportunity that was offered to me in last 2 years). I'm always a bit miffed when I get a Linkedin notification that a kid I met for a coffee chat 6 months ago has now snagged a BB / MM SA offer. I'm happy for them, but secretly bitter at the same time because I know none of these kids had anything that I didn't. Same thing with the interns that come through my firm and 1 year later are signing offers at large MMs or even the occasional BB (all of them signing on with a bigger base than me...). My firm will stay a small footnote in their resume (or most likely, they'll scrub it off very soon to pretend like they got their start in MM IB straight-away) while I'm "left behind" so to speak...
Very, very immature on my part but it's hard to not to feel frustrated when this role feels like a dead-end.
What's MM? I thought it meant multi-manager, as in a hedge fund
Middle market, as opposed to bulge bracket. The RJ, Blair, Baird, Stifel, RBC types.
Speaking from personal experience, be truthful in self-reflection as to why you’re jealous. Kid I grew up with is a professional athlete now. Giant douche growing up and wasn’t that good until he got to college and turned into a monster. First round draft pick, multimillionaire who you’ll now see on your tv screen. Can’t lie - I still get happy seeing when he has a bad game. I make more than anyone else I grew up with I disliked except this dude. Used to tell myself I’m winning at life bc of the wealth I’ve accumulated, but even most of that was luck. Then there was this guy who was living MY dream, not to mention the money associated with it.
I’ll never get into HBS. I think it’s ok to be envious of others. Shows you want more, and I think it’s important to always be working toward OBTAINABLE goals.
Sorry if I may ask but did you do CF directly after school or after some work exp in IB/Consulting/etc?
Ja Morant?
I commend you for being self-aware enough to do some self reflecting. That is extremely rare these days. A lot of people from this forum would benefit from a similar exercise.
Good luck OP!
Good on you for self-reflection. Perhaps your view of yourself isn't how others view you. It's easy to say "others are getting things I should be able to get, too" because most people are really bad at identifying their faults. Life isn't fair, and less deserving people often do better than those that nominally should do very well... but look at every entitled asshole in the world. Those people think of themselves the same way you do; as someone whom the world is unfairly conspiring to hold back. I hope you aren't that person, but... they exist, and a strong dose of humility might go a long way in alleviating your feelings of envy.
I've reflected on y'alls comments and I've decided that I'm going to go talk to a therapist about this. I figure that I want too get as much ammo in my magazine as possible to blast the difficulties of life.
Appreciate the kind words. It makes a difference.
You will make it fam. You got this.
Envy is truly a disease of the mind. It creates misery and misfortune for everyone involved.
I think the answer, difficult to accept as it may be, it to simply stop envying others and wishing ill upon them, and start wishing them the best of success and be happy that they are doing well.
The truth is that you are entirely responsible for where you end up, and even though there are some factors involved like luck or connections or background, you decide your destiny and others are trying to do the same thing you are.
You aren’t jealous of Buffett, Dimon, Musk etc. Why? Because nobody would ever compare you to them. You don’t feel threatened by their success because you don’t associate yourself with them subconsciously. But you do associate yourself with peers around your age or who went to your school. And that makes you feel bad because you might be judged for not attaining what they did.
There is no point to envy. Stop being bitter. No one like a jealous guy.
Be happy with yourself and be happy for others, as much of an a—hole they may be.
This is great advice, thank you for sharing
Great advice
Meditation, mindfulness, gratitude.
Sometimes it takes people losing everything though.
Remember those people may not be happy. When you think of them you are imagining your current life with that ine thing changed but they are living a wholly different life and could be miserable
I think it’s important to understand that added success usually comes with an added price in some form. You mention how you want MF for the brand name, but you never focus on the cost of work culture, longer hours, and a cutthroat (sometimes unethical) investing philosophy that drives the MF firms.
This is true for many other things. You might be jealous of a coworker’s Ferrari, but you’re not factoring in the long hours and weekends he put in to get top bucket to buy the car. Or you might be jealous of another friends fit body (including 6 pack abs) but fail to realize the amount of hours the guy spent in the gym to get that physique and the diet he’s forced to endure.
Now, I’m well aware that success in life isn’t just purely hard work and is a combination of luck, good timing, background, intellect, support systems, finances, and work. But if we go down that route you yourself are lucky coming from a trailer park. Based on your background your most likely outcome would be a low paying job in a warehouse and getting high on meth (hopefully without the OD). Ozymandia was being subtle when he implied it but I’m going to say it directly. Your jealousy comes from an extremely egotistical self-centered view that you are 100X smarter and harder-working than your trailer park buddies and thus everything in your life was completely justified. Even you yourself got to where you are today in part to being in the right place in the right time. Most poor people never get the right place and right time.
My advice, contrarian as usual, is to lean into the hate, envy and jealousy. Though shall not covet? Nah. I even get twinges of jealousy over people I’ve never met.
I’ve gotten all the same advice you’ve gotten on this thread. It’s not bad advice at all - ignore others, jealousy is a disease of the mind, focus on the good things in your life, happiness comes from within, etc. I just can’t follow the advice. You can tell a fatty to simply stop eating and work out, but just because advice is obvious doesn’t make it easy to follow.
So instead just accept it’s part of your makeup and try to use it to your advantage. Channel the anger into working harder, or snagging a hot wife or working out more. Try to become that person other people grumble about and wish their lives were like yours.
When I hear secondhand via family and friends asking about me or commenting negatively, it makes me feel better than being drunk or getting a runner’s high from endorphins.
My dad told me how some of his family told him my wedding was such a waste of money, freaking loved hearing that jealousy. My old roommate told me some kids from my analyst class were making jokes I must have tricked my wife into marrying me since she’s so much better looking than me, I asked him to repeat to me line for line what they said lol. Even my wife recently said getting an MBA is a joke and waste of money, and finance is just a boys club cause I never went to class, got honors and found a new job without trying.
Use that anger you have to motivate you. Look, no one is perfect, and unless it’s a serious bad trait or your envy of others is making you a toxic person to yourself or someone you love, I don’t think you have to change.
Do you hurt women or kids? Steal from the poor? Abuse someone weaker than you? No, you’re not a bad person. You get jealous, like everyone else. Unless it’s ruining your life, I would embrace it.
I'll just leave this here...
I understand dunking on some douchey extended family members or old coworkers, but your wife? Really? Your wife shouldn't be jealous of your success.
You are preaching to the choir man.
Ever since my wife started getting closer to my parents, she has started to parrot their typical refrains and criticisms of me.
Number 1 on the list? I’m lazy and never live up to my potential. I yell back I’m a freaking Ivy League investment banker, wtf more can I do? And the three of them say that I only give 50 percent effort, and I say well that gets the job done and am doing better than most, and then the argument ends with them telling me how disappointed they are I can’t just give maximum effort in life lol.
Typical immigrant mindset nonsense.
Instead of being happy I got a 92 on a test without studying, they are like well you would have got a 98 if you prepared better! Lol.
Let your jealousy be your fuel
You're just as capable of anyone else's accomplishments.
Jealousy is just love and hate at the same time.
Find some deeper meaning. You obv don’t have kids yet (and that’s totally ok) or you would have a whole different perspective on what matters my man. Good luck to you.
Buddah calls what you have the compare monkey brain - read about it and tell the voice in your head to stop being an asshole. It’s constantly barking at you - learn to control it.
I actually do have kids, but I appreciate the sentiment regardless.
HBS can burn in hell for their promotion of DEI and wokey. Jokes on them
As someone in B school right now in the T20-T25 range, I've seen a few classmates recluse for awhile if they have these thoughts (maybe they're still searching for an internship or someone they know got the offer they wanted). I'm usually happy for classmates regardless of how I may have been negatively impacted by their outcome but it's hard not to be envious of classmates you may have felt more qualified for (hot take that I wouldn't say openly to most classmates but I do think DEI recruiting plays a huge role in outcomes that at times make me question how HR evaluate candidates) and in some cases, if a classmate gets an offer you want but their personality / persona really annoys you (there are a few B school classmates who come off as shady and I would never trust them, two-faced).
You have a great job already and I wouldn't get too bummed out by it. As much as I like the majority of my class, the drama / recruiting fiasco that occurs is frustrating and IMO, only worth it if you are doing a drastic career switch that would benefit significantly from an MBA.
Since you applied for MBAs, did you get an offer from Wharton and you're not going to take it?
There are tons of UMM/MF PE folks at Wharton, and the school sends a bunch into UMM/MF PE (with plenty of OCR from top funds). If you can't get into UMM/MF from W (if you want to), then you most likely you won't be able to get it from HBS either. It's like crying that you got rejected from Harvard and only got into Princeton.
This is a net positive emotion to have. Envy and jealousy is exactly what pushes you to grind even harder because you can't stand the idea of other people beating you.
I think seeking therapy would be helpful for you especially if these negative sentiments are regularly bothering you
I keep hearing of this app on various social media channels called BetterHelp where you can find someone to speak with
I ended up doing so and then got deep into the Stoicism and deeper into my faith, and actively practiced identifying when my thoughts drifted to comparison, and practiced stopping them. Worked very well. I also called people that I thought (irrationally) would judge me for not being as good, and sheepishly told them what I thought, and asked them to tell me what they believed--every single one of them said they would never think of less of me in any way, and were honored that their opinion meant so much. It was liberating.
Do you think they were just telling you nice feelgood words or that they actually meant it? Sometimes have same sentiment as you do
Helps when you realize that the only things really important in life are food water shelter. Helps to compare importance levels
You don't sound jealous to me but frustrated. He could be your friend and you might be more deserving the spot. I think your friends might have said "don't be jealous", "appreciate and don't be an ass". What is fair has to be seeked. congratulate him and leave those saying you're jealous
I try and just focus on myself. There's always going to be others out there, either older, same year, younger, who are better at some aspects and worse at others. You can try and learn from people who you admire or envy and take similar steps, or see where others came up short and try to avoid taking that path. Constantly try to improve yourself.
I often struggle with the same sentiment OP. Still trying to remind myself to focus on myself rather than others as it doesn’t pertain to me or affect me
Dealing with this can be challenging, but it's important to manage your thoughts for your own well-being. Here are some tips to help:
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings: Understand why you're feeling this way. Identifying the source can help you address it more effectively.
2. Practice Gratitude: Focus on the things you're grateful for in your own life. Gratitude can help shift your perspective and reduce envy.
3. Set realistic goals: Work on improving yourself in a way that aligns with your values and aspirations.
4. Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that you are unique and valuable.
5. Talk to Someone: Share your feelings with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. Talking can help you process and gain a different perspective.
6. Focus on Personal Growth: Channel your energy into personal growth and self-improvement.
This is a process that takes time and self-reflection. It's natural to experience envy occasionally and everyone can relate at some point
Nihil optio ipsam dolores natus nobis veniam accusamus. Eveniet aperiam tempore tenetur odio vel. A rem mollitia nihil a pariatur. Reprehenderit repudiandae sunt consequatur praesentium.
Provident sed dolores voluptatum temporibus iure. Ad dignissimos natus amet est est sequi. Molestias enim quas optio molestiae voluptas officia aut magnam. Vel minima illo et molestias vitae. Sed iure iste ipsam id omnis.
See All Comments - 100% Free
WSO depends on everyone being able to pitch in when they know something. Unlock with your email and get bonus: 6 financial modeling lessons free ($199 value)
or Unlock with your social account...
Voluptate dicta eveniet esse nisi natus nisi deleniti. Voluptatem dignissimos praesentium fuga eum. Et assumenda voluptatibus illum hic voluptatem est adipisci. Illo dolor recusandae et tenetur ipsam eveniet.
Est laborum nostrum et deleniti. Qui culpa sapiente nulla vel eos molestiae non omnis. Qui autem voluptatem quasi id. Dolore voluptas et veniam porro quia voluptatem doloremque.