How can I support my boyfriend going into Investment Banking?
Hi everyone,
This may be a weird post, but my boyfriend of 4 years recently received various offers from several Investment banks. I understand IB is a very stressful and time-consuming job, and I would like to know how I can best support him other than the basic generic advice.
As investment bankers, are there any particular things you think I should know about his career so I can be the best partner?
Also, if anyone has any book recommendations about this field so I can better understand his job, please comment on that as well. I'm studying economics and politics in college right now, so I have a pretty strong background in that. I'm trying to learn as much as I can about IB but not sure where to start.
Thanks!
Don’t be a stressor. It’s dangerous to generalize, especially if it’s a four year relationship, but he will literally block you out if he’s working on something and is getting nagged by you at the same time.
Be comfortable with the ambiguity of his schedule. If he goes radio silent for four hours, know that he is working, not cheating. If plans fall through, you just have to be understanding.
That doesn’t mean don’t have a backbone, because whatever you want in a relationship should still be respected, but it takes compromise.
Have been with my girlfriend for ~2.5 years, we’re now living together. She’s in law school and I’m actively recruiting for FT IB roles. So to say the least, tensions can be high at times.
My first piece of advice is to live in the moment when you can and be spontaneous. Free time can be rare as an analyst, so taking advantage of free time when you guys have it is huge. Can be as simple as a trip to your favorite coffee shop, or a nice dinner, or even just a movie at home.
Second piece of advice is COMMUNICATION. First step is to understand your needs so that you can clearly voice them to him. During busy weeks the bare minimum, or even less, may be what you get. You both need to understand where that line is so that the relationship is fair and equal.
Third piece of advice is to try your best to be flexible and understanding to the demanding hours and last minute cancellation. The amount of times I’ve had to cancel on my gf is countless. But we always make it up, no matter what. If we make a promise to make up a planned date, it happens.
Fourth piece of advice is don’t try too hard to understand what he does. My gf and I always laugh, and say we separate church and state. That way when we vent to each other it’s entirely non biased.
Lastly, there’s an element of health and fairness that goes into it. If he’s just fully checked out and only cares about work. You DO NOT have to sit by and beg for his attention because he’s in IB. All of the other things I’ve mentioned, should lead to avoiding this. But make sure you take into account your own happiness and sense of fulfillment in your relationship.
Best of luck to you both.
One last thing, I’m assuming that if you’ve been with him for 4 years he’s probably a nice guy.
If he’s being a dickhead, it’s probably because he’s on hour 85 on turn #3, working on a pitch for a deal that will never go to market, and his MD just asked him to make the squares less square.
So try to take it with a grain of salt, if it’s constant that’s another story.
Thank you! I am also going to law school soon (hopefully in NYC so I can be near him), and I can't imagine the strain that our career fields will have on our relationship. I like what you and your girlfriend have with the "separation of church and state" thing.
When we were dating in NYC my now wife worked near IB hours, fortunately close to my office. This made a huge difference. I had prior girlfriends get pissed that I couldn’t meet them for 5pm happy hour on Tuesday.
Being similarly motivated early in our careers probably helped us make it. Wed do things like grab dinner at 11pm or midnight and then she’d go home, and I would go back to the office.
I can only say that you will be an incredibly important and strong emotional pillar for him amid all the stress and bs of the job, so be understanding and as supportive as you can. he's lucky to have someone supporting him during these tough years tbh.
Be understanding that when he can't spend time together, it's not because he doesn't want to, it's because he will get fired if he does. Same goes for having to lock into work for long periods of time w/out being able to give partial attention elsewhere, taking poorer care of himself, being scattered in his personal life, etc. If you can understand that w/out holding it against him or resenting him for it, that's the biggest part.
Small stuff that helps take care of things outside of work for him like making a meal for him, stuff around the house, reminding him to text ppl on their birthdays, etc. is always very nice.
Bump
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