BEING WHITEGIRL IS PARADISE

Being whitegirl is paradise. 

Recruiting: Since you’re friends with Tiffany the head of HR after bonding about sucking off the entire football team from sorority days, Tiffany is cool AF with you. So she says “eff it” - and implements a policy to make whitegirls qualify as diversity. 

Does it matter that Chad from Greenwich, who has been practicing LBOs since incoming freshman summer, is way more qualified than you? Nah, because the more girlies at the firm with Tiffany from HR= gangbang heaven for you and the girlies at the DEI events. [XYZ porn company] then sponsors your videos while you’re at a top group in IB. Bottom bucket? Not a problem. You’ve got hundreds of bankers jerking off to your videos in the company bathroom. Talk about passive income. You make your MD look like a poor intern. And you actually get laid while he gets ghosted on hinge for the 100th time.

Dumb: struggling on the job? It’s all good, just act all cute and innocent and laugh at every retarded joke from the nerd associate who has never spoken to a girl in his life until you were staffed under him. Ask about his personal life too and give him some dating advice. Will probably get him dumped or fired but at least you’re the favorite analyst now. Throw in a tight skirt or tight leather pants. And then offer to get your favorite coworkers coffee. While you’re at it, plan the social events and volunteer to send calendar invites! And Boom! You just made yourself recession proof, despite effectively being an HR worker/therapist who’s got an IB title and getting paid banker type money.

Work-life balance: Can’t work 800 hours per week like the Deerfield lax bros and you miss your boyfriend? All good, just set unrealistic expectations for your boyfriend (1 of 5 boyfriends) and demand that he listens to you, has food waiting for you when you get home, steps back in his career etc., while you make double income from porn and IB. And since he’s spending $$ on you, you give him some bullshit “macho” validation for providing for you. Good trick because Bingo: you’re now earning TRIPLE income - boyfriend spending $$ on you, IB, and porn. And you can dump him whenever since there’s 1000 other desperate finance bros in line. You can have sex with anyone of them at the snap of a finger. They’ll probably shoot off 100 unanswered hinge messages. Haha boys druel and girls rule.

So congratulations, after your sorority days at XYZ target (because your dad donated $100mm and got you admitted) where you “bonded” with Tiffany from HR, you’ve cracked the system:

Triple income from: 1) IB, 2) porn and 3) desperate finance bros paying for dates. And you’re recession proof (i.e., just do more porn, meet a desperate rich finance bro, etc.). You can date anyone and get laid whenever you want. You control recruiting from sorority connections in HR. And you control college/graduate school admissions offices.

In other words, you control the world in the shadows.

Being whitegirl is paradise.