Worst Cover Letter?
Got rejected in two days from x bank with this cover letter. Are there any glaring problems?
[My details]
[Address]
September 24th, 2020
Dear Sir/Madam,
For 9-weeks this summer, your team may benefit from my work as a capital markets intern. There will be no friction within the team and no deterioration in results as, for the reasons below, my transition into the culture of X bank will be smooth.
Highly Motivated
I want to play a role in allowing innovators to pursue their ideas. Innovation is at the heart of our economy, it’s the driving force that has given society so much since the industrial revolution. Therefore, I am motivated to join X ’s Financial Solutions team and be a part of the process that drives innovation. It is deals like the one between X and Y to set Qatar’s largest solar photovoltaic power project, deals that can bring about change through innovation.
Ambitious and Hard Working
When it comes to what I am passionate about, I seek out relevant opportunities to learn more. For example, I took my eagerness to learn about how to innovate further, joining the Enterprise course at my university. 30 students and I developed 5 different start-ups; an interesting learning experience which taught me a lot about how business works. The entrepreneurial culture at X is something I am very much looking forward to.
Innovative thinker
Finding new, creative solutions to difficult problems is something I have done this summer. As a part of my scholarship, I had to propose my own research question and spend 6-weeks researching this question. Throughout this process I had to find solutions via innovative routes. For example, I had to imagine what certain government responses might be and why such responses might be effective.
Excellent communication skills
Whether it be organising finance for a company, scanning documents for errors or judging risk, if you cannot communicate your findings, the valuable knowledge you have learnt cannot be shared. Whilst working for start-up Z, I delivered presentations to other founders and tech-workers in places like Shoreditch, London. It was vital I learnt how to communicate in a concise and clear manner, to ensure my presentations retained attention by being entertaining and interesting.
Team Spirit
When undergoing hard tasks, a good, positive team can make all the difference. I am excited to join X ’s small, ambitious and tight-knit network not only to learn lessons from such big deals as the Saudi Aramco IPO, but to bring enthusiasm and hopefully make a difference, too. When we were tired and struggling on the hills in Wales on our DofE Gold expedition, it was team spirit that kept us moving. Patience with each other and positivity pushed us forward and was a key reason why we were successful.
I am excited to hear back from your investment team at X .
Yours Faithfully,
Chimp
Edit: I think i've seen the error in my ways, thanks for the mirror
Hope it's a joke?
unfortunately not
I am assuming English isn't your first language
rn I don't have time to send edits but i'd honestly scrap the entire thing. don't send any more apps with that cover letter.
thanks for the advice
cringe/10
https://www.mergersandinquisitions.com/investment-banking-cover-letter-…
i see, i think i get what needs changing. thanks for the advice
Wouldn’t even bother with a cover letter. Just network and send ur resume.
This is for UK not US
Throw this in the trash and get some eq...my god
WTF did i just read
If anyone would be so kind as to give feedback, I have tried again.
'Still the worst cover letter'
First off - respect for posting this and being willing to take shit. Feedback is a massive component to progression.
1. The opening statement assumes that by hiring an intern that there is potential for friction in the team and deterioration of results. Immediately a bad feeling going forward.
2. Format - I've never seen a cover letter sectioned out like this. It may make it easier for people to glance through, but you don't want them glancing you want them reading. Revisit the opening line and say something compelling enough for them to keep reading.
3. Voice - A lot of this has information is useless to them.
"Innovation is at the heart of our economy, it’s the driving force that has given society so much since the industrial revolution."
"Whether it be organising finance for a company, scanning documents for errors or judging risk, if you cannot communicate your findings, the valuable knowledge you have learnt cannot be shared."
"When undergoing hard tasks, a good, positive team can make all the difference."
You're not writing an essay about innovation, team nor organizational operations. Keep it about you and the role.
4. Quantify relevant experience where possible.
5. Keep is interesting and succinct.
Final comments - everyone is going to say they're highly motivated, innovative, great with communication and are a team player. I'd try to simplify it to the one thing you think potential employers will value most and then drive that point home. You may need different drafts depending on the role you're applying for.
This is just my $0.02. I've read a handful of CVs and the best ones incorporated the things I wrote above.
Thanks for taking the time to write a detailed response. Advice much appreciated.
Google mergers and inquisitions cover letter template and just enter your info in the brackets. No one reads cover letters anyway so you’ll be fine. Good luck
Will do, thanks
Good on you for being willing to take criticism. Here are my 2 cents.
Writing a cover letter is just checking a box. I doubt anyone's read a cover letter that made them go "holy fuck this kids got the job" but plenty of people have screened a letter and gone "geez this kids a squid".
Unfortunately, your letter is in that second category. It sounds way too academic and formal, even for a component of a banking job application. People above have posted templates. Just copy those - check the boxes, move on, get your foot in the door, and kill it in the interview.
Thanks a lot, definitely learnt a few lessons here
I'm gagging just by reading the headers.. damn.
Would indeed start over. Definitely check out Mergers and Inquisitions, their advice on cover letters is pretty good.
Haha, well I did just that. Hopefully not so bad next time.
Sorry but writing a cover letter is not a tick box exercise. It certainly doesn't make people scream hire this kid now but you can certainly be dinged straight away. Writing is such a core skill in banking, but candidates / analysts are getting worse and worse each year. Covering letter is a great first test here in the UK. (An example of the above OP would be the repetition of wording:
When it comes to what I am passionate about, I seek out relevant opportunities to learn more. For example, I took my eagerness to learn about how to innovate further, joining the Enterprise course at my university. 30 students and I developed 5 different start-ups; an interesting learning experience
You have the word learn/learning 3 times in 3 sentences. This is poor and you wouldn't be able to write an IM in this manner.)
As for the content in OP's covering letter, I don't know if you are trying to be overly clever/smart and make yourself stand out but the whole thing is woeful (sorry to be blunt but kudos for asking). As others have said just follow a standard template!
Thanks for honest advice!
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